Morrison will get a cashless debit card so he doesn’t spend money on parking lots, subs

The prime minister will switch to the Indue cashless card system next week, in a bid to cut spending on non-essential items such as unbuilt car parks and imaginary submarines.

The card has been used as a “spend management” tool for welfare recipients, and advocates say it’s an important way to curb the waste of taxpayer money. Now they want to expand the scheme to include other people dependent on taxpayer funds.

“If you’re getting taxpayer money, then it’s only fair that there are some limitations,” a spokesperson for the plan said.

“This is not about trying to stop people from buying food or putting a roof over their head. But it’s about saying, ‘Do you really need to spend $185 million to reopen Christmas Island for a week for a quick media stunt?’

Indue, the card’s manager, says expansion of the program is long overdue. “Nobody has pissed off more taxpayer money than Morrison. Usually we like to blame welfare recipients for debt, but when you look at the fact that Morrison seems to go over budget on everything because he blows it the first time, we think it’s about time someone who really needs help managing your money is put. on this card for once.”

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg had the last word on the matter. “Honestly, last week I met the Prime Minister when he was about to invest in a Ponzi scheme and today he told me that he was in talks with a Nigerian prince to resolve our government’s debt problem. This is for the best if we want to continue presenting ourselves as a fiscally responsible party.”

Donations to the Liberal Party during the election are currently not enabled on the cashless card system as they are marked as “a big damn waste of taxpayer money.”

For Chris Auld @MalditaTuChrisA

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